Miss Sweet Pea Strikes Again

Well all it has been a while since I have done a long post. I have so much fun posting on all of your blogs. However, I know I post a lot of pictures and that is because I am lazy. It is one of my character faults. I like to think of it as an asset. Ahem! Yes, an asset. You see there are lots of things you can ponder while being lazy and procrastinating:

10. Where on earth do all the socks go in the dryer. I have begun to start counting them when I put them in the washing machine. I have even tried safety pinning them together but that only succeeds in producing these large holes in the sides of my dear husbands socks. He is not amused by this at all. Earl is seldom amused by my feigned attempts at domestic tranquility. I am convinced that there is a sock eating dragon in my dryer. I would really like to meet him. I think he must be gray (like the lint from the dryer) or maybe pink from when I do a load of reds. He would have shiny green eyes and tiny little claws, I wish he would come out to play. But alas, every time I think I catch a glimpse of him he ducks back into those tiny mesh holes in the vent to hide from me. I must think of a great trap to get him to come out and play with Charlie (the mouse in my house that I cannot kill. I sure hope he has not moved the family in again) I would hate to have to kill them all off.

9. How do flies land on the ceiling? Do they fly upside down and land on the ceiling or do the they fly right side up and at the last possible moment flip quickly to waltz across my ceiling tiles. I haven't figured out a good hypothesis on this yet but I am still working on it.

8. How is it that dust gets on a ceiling fan? I have pondered this one for years. You see, I am not tall. I'm a very short and stout 5'2. So to clean the ceiling fan blades is a dangerous business. It means that the athletically challenged Miss Sweet Pea must get on a chair or a ladder. Perish the thought! So by following the logic of things you would believe that dust falls with gravity to the lower surfaces of a room. So how does all the dust get UP there? I'm slightly appalled and quietly amazed at this fact. So I sit and stare at the ceiling fan blades when I muster the courage to fix breakfast or dinner. I do try to do this at least once a week to appease my guilt for my poor, poor, family. They are so deprived.

7. Buttermilk. Now Buttermilk is the opposite of Sweet Milk as we call it here in the south. But I swear to you that Buttermilk does NOT taste like butter. I haven't been able to fathom why anyone would want to drink soured milk. This does not make sense to me. However, buttermilk is the liquid of choice for home made biscuits. The jury is in on that one!

6. Why is there a expiration date on Sour cream?

5. The inability of anyone in my family to be able to find their socks or the mayonnaise without my immediate presence. This one really boggles the mind. There are actually clean socks in their drawers, but for the life of them they cannot find a pair of socks to save their lives. But when I go get them they miraculously appear. You would think I was parting the red sea or something. I give them my best "they were right here" look and they just smile at me and give me a kiss on the cheek. I don't know who they think they are fooling but I know those socks were there all along. The mayonnaise is a subject I just refuse to discuss. Let us suffice it to say that I now have a jar in the pantry, one in the freezer, on the counter and one in the dryer for my friend the sock dragon! So if they now can't find the Mayo, I have no pity for them whatsoever (yes, I have made a new word)


4. Why I produce my best writing at night: This is something that I have been trying to figure out for years. I have done tests and I have concluded this:
A.) My imagination runs rampant at night. Anything is possible in the dark hours between dusk and dawn. It is a time for dreaming, for running naked through the night. A time of creation where the stark world of reality cannot intrude. At night I can be anything. The mold in the back of the refrigeration to a lithe fairy queen with hair of gold who is a perfect size six with big boobs and firm buttocks. Magic is real at night and will come crawling into my mind like a bold shaft of light. I have found that I can edit, research, and chat with Janie during the day, but at night is when I am at my best. I love the night.

3. Why when drinking a beer or a nice wood chuck cider you must have a cigarette. I must confess this is my most deep fear when I think of quitting this horrible habit of smoking I have. I think the pleasure of drinking will be lost on me. Will a glass of wine be less without the sweet taste of a clove Sampoerna? A cup of coffee be less satisfying in the morning without that jolt of nicotine to open my eyes? Ah, the fears of the about to quit smoking. I have dreams about this stuff. It is serious. I must come to terms with this. I think I must have Wellbutrin to make this next step in my life. I have quit over six times only to get stressed out over some change and then boom. I pick up a cigarette. See I think I am this strong person that could have just one. I have no idea where I get this strange notion. I have one of those personalities that craves routine and giving up my precious cigarettes will totally knock me off kilter. How WILL I write? I'm scared to death that without my crutch I will be left high and dry! Ugh!

2. Confidence in myself. This is something I am seriously short on, but thank God Janie can jerk a knot in my tail when I get too bad. If I get too worried I can seriously block myself. It is awful, that little voice in the back of your head that says "you're not good enough and you never will be" I want to send that voice to the fires of Moridor! Let stupid little voice go after something worth while. I have decided it is in my best interest not to think about these things. Just let the words come spilling out onto the page. But it is thrilling to know that most everyone has this fear. This fear of failing and of rejection. Which is really strange for me since my day job is as a sales rep. I face and receive rejection all the time, but it is not a personal rejection. There is a big difference there. Huge difference!

1. But my all time favorite day dreaming topic is What I would do if I were Queen?
I would make sure that all those poor people in Mississippi (yes, I sang the song to spell that one. M i crooked letter, crooked letter, I, crooked letter, crooked letter, i, hump back, hump back,I ) had enough money to see them through. I would have a maid to do all the laundry, cooking and cleaning. I would have fabulous clothes that actually fit me top and bottom. (This would take serious negotionations with the fashion industry. Listen here folks, just because you are short doesn't mean you are a size 4! Got it? ) I would buy my mother a jag and take her to Ireland where she could paint to her hearts content. I would open up a gallery for all the talented people in the world where they could show off their talents. I would make sure no one went hungry and the poor homeless people had enough Boone's Farm to pickle themselves if that is what they wished to do. ( I have been thinking a lot on that. I have heard people say I'll buy you a meal, but I'm not going to give you money. Why shouldn't homeless people be able to get drunk? They are probably from dysfunctional Southern families and the only way they can get through the day is to get some mad dog 20/20. If you want to help someone do not put restrictions on what would make someone happy. I mean really how much damage could five dollars worth of Mad dog 20/20 do? other than to make you so miserable you throw up.) ***Note*** I am not making fun of the plight of the homeless. I am making fun of the people who think they always know what is best (Jane is excluded from this rant, cause she really always does know what is best along with my Mother! and sometimes Earl) I just think that everyone in the world deserves some happiness. Who am I to say what happiness is to whomever? So I say buy them a meal and give them just enough money to get a good buzz on.! Then donate to your local homeless shelter and our churches to help these people get back on their feet! And last but not least...I would make the politicians in DC move back to their home states and vote via Instant Message. That way if they vote some stupid way, I can park my big ole white butt in their office and not leave until they retract that stupid vote to begin with!!!

Michelle who is now done with being lazy and must go write!